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[IPk] Giving Up

I am feeling like giving up struggling with diabetes.  I just got a
letter rescheduling my specialist appointment for ... the end of
January.  Twelve months after I was told I needed a pump.  

I went to see this doctor three years ago, having asked my then GP for a
referral to a pump specialist.  It took one year of better control, and
then a year and a half of worsening control to persuade him I was right
... and then A YEAR for him to get the clinic together that I na´vely
assumed was there when I first went to see him three years ago.

I feel like he lied to me three years ago, when he first agreed to see
me.  But he's a hell of a lot better than the specialist I saw before,
who didn't believe my bg results, and just asked me to do again things I
knew didn't work.

He says he wants me to wait for him to get NHS funding ... I've never
seen any proof that he can fund raise/twist arms.  Annually, I raise
about four or five times my own salary.

And overall, I have the worry that if I put into practice any of the
difficult to do, and time consuming things which seem to work a little
(waking at 3am each night to give myself a shot, alternating doses of
Monotard through a 6/10/14 cycle to try and get an even amount), and get
a better Hba1c next time I see him ... he'll just use it as evidence
that I don't need a pump.

It doesn't help that the company I emailed, and specifically said
'please get in touch, even if it's only to say you can't help', didn't
get in touch.  Needless to say, my preference has swung to the other
company, even if their machine seems a little harder to programme!

The situation isn't helped in that I was only cancelled at the very last
minute - I had been expecting to go on the pump on Monday, and I have
been trying to arrange dates for the past month.  So I have all my leave
booked up for the next few weeks, and will not really have time to take
off over the autumn.  Nevertheless, I am seriously considering taking a
flight to the US. 

I know that many here have concerns about patients going on-pump without
adequate medical supervision, but my reasoning is
a) I know diabetes as well as most specialists, and am willing to
undertake any specialist training needed at the physician level, rather
than the patient level (and to pay for this, if need be)
b) my specialist is not in my area, so if I run in to any trouble, I'm
going to be on my own anyway, out of office hours (and if it's an office
hours problem, I can find that kind of answer out for myself, if I don't
already know it).

I'm frustrated, frustrated, frustrated.  And indulging in fantasies
involving high explosives and a tower near London Bridge.  
Pat Reynolds
email @ redacted
   "It might look a bit messy now, but just you come back in 500 years time" 
   (T. Pratchett)
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