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Re: [IPr] [Fwd: [IP] God and dm **if you are sensitive to religious discussionplease delete**]

Dear Julie,

I'm really glad you wrote this letter. It's so hard to look diabetes in the
face and say 'Why?'

I'm a 20-year old college student - I got diabetes when I was 17, and I've
had 9.0 HBa1C's ever since I have been handling the disease on my own. The
pump has helped bring it down, but the core of my problem is still my own
control of my diabetes..

I feel so bad when I don't take care of my body the way I should. Sometimes
I get to thinking about why God gave it to me. Maybe he wants to teach me
that I shouldn't sit in the 'drivers seat' all the time and that I should
look to him for courage more often. I try to rationalize everything I come
acrost, and sometimes I just plain end up in tears. I think that if I had
never gotten diabetes my life would be so much easier.

But if I had never gotten diabetes.. I wouldn't have come to understand just
how much God loves me. Let me give you some understanding of my background:

I grew up in a really tough family. My dad never expressed feelings to
anyone, and my mom was bi-polar manic-depressive and schitzophrenic. I don't
know if you have any experience with that, but it means that I dealt with
fights in my family since my earliest memories, and didn't learn like normal
kids things like.. self-esteem, good relationships with people.. you name
it, it was effected by how I grew up.
My parents divorced several years ago (when I was 11) and I came out of it..
trying to understand my past. I tried to get a handle on my daily life.. and
become isloated from everyone in my heart - I didn't make freinds until
high-school because I was so hurt inside.
And then diabetes came along. How bad could it get?
Two years before I got DM the Lord brought my dad a stepmom.. and she ended
up saving me a lot of pain in DM. She is a registered nurse who has
emergency room experience  - I really love her now for a lot of ways she's
helped me and my family heal from our past. She was the person closest to me
when I was hospitalized and everything..
While I was in the hospital.. I ended up praying alot.. I kept asking God
I got the reply that it was going to bring me closer to him.. I didn't
undertsand how.. but I.. just dealt with it and got out of the hospital. 3
months later, I ended up in the mental ward of Georgetown university
hospital because of Insomnia..
I had been trying to manage finals in school, and diabetes.. and my own
self-image.. no wonder I ended up unable to sleep for so long.  Even though
I had my stepmom there to help me.. I got so stressed out from trying to
maintain /myself/ that I broke down.

What does God want from me? Why does he do these things? I've been thinking
about it a long time.

What is the nature of God? An all powerful creator, who suffuses the air
around us.. who created everything and is soverign over everything.. that
means that anything he wants changed, he can change. Anything he wants to
happen, it will happen. But we're also told in the bible.. that he's as
close to us as the very air we breathe! (literally, in hebrew when it says
'And God spoke out of the heavens', it means the lower heavens, the
atmosphere we live in). It's a big contradiction to us .. it means that he's
the ruler over the very universe - indeed, his awareness is in all places in
the universe at the same time.. and it seems like he would be a God so very
distant from us.. and yet the bible says.. that he wants to be our 'shield
and defender - our shepherd, our crutch, our heart of hearts..
God's been breaking that barrier down in my life.. healing me in my past,
and teaching me to come out of my personal shell and barrier - my isolation
of trying to be sufficient for myself in all things.
I've been learning more since that time, too..
We ask.. why does God allow us to go through diabetes and let people ram
into the World Trade Center.. and why?
In the very heart of God is his love for humans. For humans as a race, for
humans as individuals.. for you, and me. I know this.. because from the very
beginning I learned that /no one loved me/. Not my crazy mom, or my dad that
never saw me at home. But someone brought me out of that.. and that was God.
He has been waiting on me.. and been telling me that /he/ is my crutch, and
my father. The one who is teaching me what love really is.. who my parents
really are from the inside out.. what love I can feel from people if I just
come out of my shell.
God lets us all go through our lives with free will. We have to understand
that the Earth is like a big clock - a big old grandfather clock, which God
made in the very beginning of time. He knows in detail what each gear does
and where each moving part needs oil and care. He has a plan for every part,
and in such an amazing way.. a personal and deep love for every part. If
you've ever made anything you love - you know what God feels - a deep
Creator's love for his creations in a very personal way. And this clock that
is the earth.. ticks away in God's workshop (the universe) where he watches
it with intense love and interest because he's able to watch every part of
it move from the inside out.
When we think of God as 'causing' or 'changing' parts of our clock.. we
think of him as being a human making judgemental choices about the worth of
each part.. What if you or I were a clock gear that was causing a whole part
of the clock to run weird? Wouldn't something bad happen to us?
Why would God allow damadge to come to any part of the earth if he loves it
so much?
God is letting our clock (the earth) run its course. From the beginning when
he knew very well that the humans he created would choose to eat the apple,
to the end, where he has told us that every human that does not love him
will be in eternal pain and agony in hell.

God in his wisdom and love made us though. He made us each with a will and a
mind of our own, and he let Christ die in our places because he wanted to
preserve that individuality of our hearts. Wouldn't you think, in the shoes
of God, that the love of a willing person was better than anything in the
entire universe?
It's the same thing - the same principle - that I see applying to our world,
the Trade Center.. even our own bodies. God is letting the 'clock' run -
because he knows every step of the road and how it will end. He knows how
the pains and agonies of the world effect everybody here.. and he wants us
to be resting on him to get us through to the very end. He isn't changing
directly the course of our lives or our actions because of how he works -
even though it's the hardest thing in the world for us to deal with

The most comforting thing I've heard this week was from my stepmom: 'God
never gives us more than we can handle, Jeanette. Even Jesus said "the evils
of one day are sufficient for that one day".'
Even though I end up crying about how inefficient I am at taking care of my
body, I am called back to God's side because I need him - and that's
infinately comforting to me.

----- Original Message -----
From: "George Lovelace" <email @ redacted>
To: <email @ redacted>
Sent: Friday, November 02, 2001 11:13 PM
Subject: [IPr] [Fwd: [IP] God and dm **if you are sensitive to religious
discussionplease delete**]

> I just thought I'd put this post where it really belongs.  Since there
> been any posting over here in sometime, perhaps this might begin
> George
> (another "technical Catholic")   :>)
> -------- Original Message --------
> Subject: [IP] God and dm **if you are sensitive to religious
> delete**
> Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 13:59:12 -0500
> From: "Julie Britt" <email @ redacted>
> Reply-To: email @ redacted
> To: email @ redacted
> I'm technically a Catholic, though not a very religious one... but I do
> believe in God and basic Christian beliefs.  I apologize if this offends
> anyone, but I don't have any "religious" friends, and I don't go to church
> and have no real relationship with clergy people, so I'm writing here.
> Please understand, this emial is in no way restricted to those of
> persuasion!  Those with other religious beliefs are welcome/encouraged to
> express their views as well.
> For those who believe in God (or a higher power of some sort), what do you
> believe in regards to dm?
> Some days I have a hard time with my spiritual beliefs and keeping faith
> God when I have to stare reality in the face.  People say if you are good
> then you will reap the rewards.  So did I do something bad... am I being
> punished with dm?  People say God is loving and caring and forgiving... so
> how come things like dm and cancer, etc even exist?  Ok, maybe it's my
> my "cross" to bear, it's supposed to make me stronger...blah blah blah.
> That's all well and good, but is a test supposed to last every minute of
> every day for the rest of one's life?  It's very confusing and sometimes
> very depressing.  How do I explain God and His goodness to my future
> children when I have a difficult time hanging on to my own faith?
> What do you all do when you start feeling this way??
> Julie
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