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[IPr] Grieving One's Self

I can certainly identify with feeling like that diabetes has not only robbed
me of physical health but sometimes has a trying affect on my mental and
spiritual health. I don't feel like that I am very skilled about expressing my
feelings about dealing with this disease because to be truthful like some of
your posts I have read, I denied that the disease had much impact on my life
until the last 10 years when I have developed all of the complications along
with other health problems. I used to always say that I am not defined by my
disease but I have lately been rethinking this mentality. I have come to
beleive that it is because ot the disease that I have learned (but sometimes
have to be reminded) to trust, be responsible, and not take anything for
granted. The largest toll that it has taken has been on my family. My husband
is very angry that I am sick and expresses how unfair it is that I am sick and
my daughter (who is 21 and married now) cries and gets very upset each time I
go in the hospital. They both want to donate a kidney to me but their own
health will not allow it and I refuse to put them through that. I am hoping to
be listed one day for a kidney/pancreas.

One example of how ingrained this disease is in our whole being is a story
that I related on the ins-pumpers board about the C-peptide test I had to have
medicare begin to cover my pump supllies (been on 507 since 1997 with a hemA1c
that was in the 20's 7 years ago, then 8's on MDI and now stays in the 6's
although my levels are extremely brittle). As I related before I had the test
drawn and for some reason worried and fretted over it although I was diagnosed
at age 12 and have been in ketosis many times from different illnesses, etc. I
just knew that the test would show my pancreas to be dead but had a nagging
feeling. I prayed about it and tried to not fret but when I went to my Endo. I
found out it was .7 (2 points above bottom level of norm) For the first time
the Endo saw me cry about this disease. He assured me that the number was a
lab error that has happened to several pts like me recently and redrew it. I
told him how distressed I was cause I have struggled with my bg for 29 years
and then to think that my pancreas may make some insulin? he assured me that
it doesn't and that I am type 1 as he said to the very core of my being. I
have not heard the results of 2nd test but have come to the realization how
much of my identity is entwined in the fact that I am a type 1 diabetic. Yes,
I tend to be a control freak as I think most diabetics are but I realized how
little control we have over our bodies when it comes down to it. 

I keep a spiritual/prayer journal that I try to write in before going to bed
at night. I fill it with all kinds of wise quotes, scripture, words of
encouragement that I glean from many sources and even pretty pictures. When I
feel that I am losing myself or control I reread what I have wrote and through
this and prayer nourish my spirit as well as my body. I feel that we are made
of body, soul(mind) and spirit and must pay attention to and feed all of these
to function as a whole. As I related in my own experience, when I neglect one
of these it has a bearing on the other aspects of my physical,mental and
spiritual health. I know this is long and I apologize for the length but felt
like I needed to state it for my own benefit and hopefully for anyone else's
who is struggling through life with me... April 

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