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Re: [IP] Am I Doing Everything Wrong? NO


You're not doing anything wrong at all!.  You're only human.  I can relate to so
much of your message.  When I first got on the pump almost a year ago, after a
couple of months of adjustments and doing the fasts I was able to get my a1c down,
keep my blood sugars level, and I was thrilled.  Now since my gastro has reared it's
ugly head my blood sugars are not stable, having more lows, more highs ( still not
nearly as high as when not on the pump) and I've been really frustrated and
depressed.  Last night I went to a pump meeting.  Kris Swenson the CDE well one of
at the clinic, has know me for a while.  She is a very wise lady and can pick up on
our diabetic guilt.  Anyway, after the meeting I went up to her and asked her if I
could come in and do a reevaluation of my basels etc. because of what's been going
on the past few weeks.  Steve, my husband was there too.  After exchanging words,
she looked at me and said "Fran you can't be perfect, no one can, it's ok to have
these swings".  I am not very good at writing or truly expressing what I want, but I
was so touched by her perception and she has said this to me before.  I guess after
37 years of diabetes guilt I need to be reminded that I can't be in perfect
control.  None of us can.  I just started crying and both her and Steve comforted
me.  She told Steve to keep reminding me that putting these expectations on myself I
am only hurting me, causing the bs to change even more, and it's just to heavy of a
burden to carry.  Diabetes is like an unsolvable mathematical equation.  So much
impacts it and you just don't know what all the variables are.  Please try not to
give up on the pump.  I really believe it can make our lives easier.  Take
suggestions from this group, for we all, including you, know what were talking
about.  I totally understand your comment about how things are so great for people
on the pump and here you sit.  But what I don't think we share is how bad things
were before the pump and things may still not be "perfect" ( that darn word again )
but things are "bad better" so that's what we share.

Someone else mentioned getting some outside professional help.  I totally agree with
that.  That's what I am doing.  Steve is wonderful support, this group is wonderful
support, but sometimes it's just nice to have that professional person too.  I get
so depressed because I see people who take antidepressant and they work like a charm
for them.  I have tried them all almost.  Today I am trying number 2838!, but I hope
and pray it helps.  Allow yourself to just be.  Get help here, send me email, send
email to the group, but please know that there are a whole pot full of us in your
corner and will do anything to help you.

Well, I sure hope I've made some sense.  My heart goes out to you and please take
good care of you, for you are important.

> For some reason, inserting the Tender has gotten to be a real problem. Last
> week, I inserted one and hit a blood vessel. Blood started backing up into the
> Tender, so I took it out and started over again. I eventually got one in ok. But
> now, everytime I try to insert one, I'm a nervous wreck, and am only getting
> about 50% of them inserted properly. I'm sure this is adding significantly to my
> frustration level.

OH yes!  I can totally relate.  Been there done that.  I still go through this
mental crap in my head before sticking that thing in.  Ok, I say to myself, once
every few days is better than 6 times per day.  I can do this.  When I was first
using them gee's I went through so many because I would hit blood vessels and would
have to take it out.  I would stick it in upside down so I would have to pull it out
and try again.  A few times when I pulled it out I had no idea I was bleeding up a
storm until I looked down at my shirt is it was soaked of blood.  Then I had nice
blue and black marks.  I have not had problems for months now.  Do I still get a
little freaked, sure I do, we're human.  I put mine in at about a 20 degree angle,
which seems to have helped tons, maybe you can try that.  Call the D tech support
line they may have some suggestions too.  Although I am sure you will get a ton
here.  :-)

> "all or nothing", and in this case, I view my old routine of 2 shots a day and
> not testing as the "nothing" and great control with the pump as the "all". If I
> can't have the "all" then I might as well take the "nothing".

It takes time changing patterns.  I was ready to give up the pump because of filling
those darn cartridges.  Now it's a piece of cake.  I test 8-10 times per day.  For
me I don't even think about it, just kind of like going to the bathroom.  It's a
habit.  Believe me I was not always like that.  Oh, and yes I get crazy over the
numbers ( that's that perfection stuff we do to ourselves. ).  The only reason I
test so often is I don't have signs of lows, so maybe you don't need to test so

> This whole problem seems to be spiraling out of control. Last night, I had a
> tremendously hard time inserting a Tender, and basically gave up. After a while
> of my wife yelling and screaming at me, I finally settled down enough to get one
> properly inserted. And probably as no great surprise, my marriage (of a whole 14
> months) is in real trouble because my wife can't handle my depression and anger
> anymore.

Maybe your wife needs to talk to someone too.  Bring her to a good support group.
Have her join the list and talk with other spouses.  Being a spouse of one of us is
not a piece of cake, but it's not helpful if it's adding to our stress.  You could
have your wife email my husband directly and maybe he could help, let me know if you
want his address.

> I'm very sorry that this has been so long and rambling, but I'm really at the
> end of my rope. I'm hoping that some one on this list can offer me some words of
> encouragement or a different outlook on the pump world.

Thank you for having the courage to share.  There is no need to be sorry.

Fran in AZ

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