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[IP] Am I Doing Everything Wrong?

Hi everyone!

I am having some very serious difficulties with pumping, and I'm hoping someone
can offer some words of wisdom.

The end of my story ...

I'm so frustrated and depressed that I'm seriously considering quitting the

Now the details (in no particular order) ...

I'm 46 and was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 8. On July 31 of this year, I
started using the Disetronic pump. The first week or so seemed to go ok, but
since then, the battle of using the pump has increased daily, and has gotten to
the point where I'm not sure it's worth the effort.

I think that I've gotten to the crazy point about my blood sugar numbers. If the
number is high, I get all stressed out, which only results in the next test
being higher and me being more stressed. In an effort to keep my numbers down,
and to avoid the hassle of carb counting foods that I don't know what to do
with, I've pretty much stopped eating - on a good day, I'll have breakfast and
lunch, on most days just breakfast.

I've gotten alot of good info from this IP group, but to some extent, I think
the group is also the cause of some of my problems. (No offense intended towards
anyone!)  I constantly see e-mails about how great people are doing on the pump,
how it has completely changed their lives, how it has given them new freedom,
etc. And the only thoughts going through my mind are "what am I doing wrong",
"why am I having such a hard time", "where are the benefits of the pump for me".

For some reason, inserting the Tender has gotten to be a real problem. Last
week, I inserted one and hit a blood vessel. Blood started backing up into the
Tender, so I took it out and started over again. I eventually got one in ok. But
now, everytime I try to insert one, I'm a nervous wreck, and am only getting
about 50% of them inserted properly. I'm sure this is adding significantly to my
frustration level.

I should probably mention that before about March of this year, if I did a blood
test twice a year, it was a good year. Now, I'm testing 8 to 10 times a day. In
addition to the stresses of using the pump, I wonder if I'm suffering from
information overload. To some extent, I was happier not knowing what was going
on with me, even though I know this was very wrong. I wonder if the close
monitoring (and feelings of failure everytime I have a high number) is really
the cause for my "ready to give up" as opposed to using the pump. I tend to be
"all or nothing", and in this case, I view my old routine of 2 shots a day and
not testing as the "nothing" and great control with the pump as the "all". If I
can't have the "all" then I might as well take the "nothing".

This whole problem seems to be spiraling out of control. Last night, I had a
tremendously hard time inserting a Tender, and basically gave up. After a while
of my wife yelling and screaming at me, I finally settled down enough to get one
properly inserted. And probably as no great surprise, my marriage (of a whole 14
months) is in real trouble because my wife can't handle my depression and anger

In addition to the stresses of day-to-day life on the pump, I'm also working at
a job that I absolutely hate. I'm working on getting out, but I'm sure the
stress of coming in every day, combined with the stress of the pump not going
well, is not doing anyone any good.

I should probably also mention that I am not seeing an endo at all. I've been
seeing my internist and a CDE, and between them, have made the transition to the
pump. When I first thought about starting on the pump, I went to an endo who has
a number of patients on the pump. But I didn't care for this guy's attitude at
all, and couldn't find another endo who knew alot about the pump. So I settled
for my internist and CDE.

I've probably forgotten some useful information here, but I'm so stressed out,
this is all that I can remember right now.

I'm certainly not happy with my control with the pump (maybe I have unreal
expectations). Should I consider re-doing the whole process of setting basal
rates, etc? Is there any reason to continue with this pump, or should I be the
one to go back to shots?

I'm very sorry that this has been so long and rambling, but I'm really at the
end of my rope. I'm hoping that some one on this list can offer me some words of
encouragement or a different outlook on the pump world.

Thanks very much for any help that you can offer.

== Steve ==

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