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[IP] Your Baby and Sadness!

----- Original Message -----
From: Julie Cott
To: email @ redacted
Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 5:40 AM
Subject: Re: Your sadness!

      Good morning Kathleen,

      I think sharing our letters would be great. I'm sure there are other
mothers out there that would be encouraged to know that there are others out
there dealing with pain and even through this terrible time in my life, if I
could help someone, I would love to.
      I know I still have a long road ahead of me as far as healing goes. Its
a good thing tears are free. But the response I have gotten from my small post
on IP has been overwhelming. There are still caring people out in this world.
Your words touched me very deeply and feel a bond with you. I thank you for
      Talk to you soon,

      -------Original Message-------

      From: email @ redacted
      Date: Monday, October 27, 2003 23:26:50
      To: Julie Cott
      Subject: Your sadness!

       Dear Julie,
          Thank you so much for writing back. I cried (OK, sobbed!) reading
your letter, for the pain that we both carry. Yes, this tore open wounds but
with every heart that I can help, my pain is eased a bit. Besides, tears are
very healing! Perhaps you can find comfort in knowing that little Brayden Noah
is happy, and playing in heaven with your grandmother or great grandparents
and great aunts and uncles and all those loving people that have gone on
before us. He's not hurting!
          PLEASE allow yourself to become physically and emotionally healthy
before trying for another baby. Your weary body needs time to recharge! And
your heart needs time to heal so that you can fully enjoy the delightfulness
of another baby. Know that you will always be in my thoughts and prayers. If
there is anything I can do for you, never hesitate, just ask! Be Well!

      Loving Care, Kathleen
      ----- Original Message -----
      From: Julie Cott
      To: email @ redacted
      Sent: Monday, October 27, 2003 7:13 PM
      Subject: Re: Your sadness


            Your story is amazing. It was very kind of you to share such a
personal heartache. You have such a love for your child, even through all of
your personal trials and heartaches. I I don't know you but I admire you so
            I don't know if I would have had your strength, had my little
Brayden Noah survived and had to face surgeries and constant medical
attention. My heart and soul and arms just yearn to hold my son again and do
whatever it takes to keep him alive. But I just have to accept that it was
God's way to take my precious angel to be with Him. I just wish there was
something I could do to make this go away. Or wake up from a terribly long
nightmare. But I can't. As a mother you want to protect your children first
and foremost, but I feel like I have hurt my son in the worst way possible. My
doctors say more than likely this was not strictly a diabetes issue. It did
complicate things, but didn't cause it. But who knows. I   I have an 11 year
old son, and I didn't have problems with him.  He was a large baby, but I was
19 and didn't have any medical problems at the time. He has done real well
through all of this. He broke down and cried at Brayden's service, but has
been pretty quiet about it since. The school counselor has been talking to him
about every day since this happened (18th ) so I know he has a form of release
if he needs it. I think he wants to be strong for mom right now.
            I should close for now. Thank you again for your words and sharing
your story. I know if was difficult to talk about as this is hard replying.
You probably tore open wounds, and I haven't even begun to heal mine yet.
            I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

            God bless,


            -------Original Message-------

            From: Creative Gram
            Date: Sunday, October 26, 2003 21:08:04
            To: Julie Cott
            Subject: Your sadness

            Dear Julie,
                I'm very sorry for the loss of your son! You must be feeling
very sad and empty! That will get better with time although the loss of your
son will be with you always. Forgive yourself for what you think may have
caused this. Loosing your son is NOT your fault! Release it back to God and
let Him heal your broken heart!

                I am 49 and have three children. I have been diabetic since I
was ten years old and on the insulin pump now for eight years. My first child
was born a month early at five pounds 11 ounces. She was born, "The healthiest
baby from a diabetic mother I've ever seen," the pediatrician said. She is now
30 years old, just like you. My second born was two months early and there was
very little that was ever right about this experience. My youngest daughter is
the blessing of my life. We adopted her at birth and she has absolutely saved
my soul! She is 26 now.

                 My son was two months premature and a three pound little
tike. He was born with all kinds of problems. As he started out his wee
struggle we thought that pneumonia and breathing problems were the his biggest
hurdle. Soon we learned that our son was born blind and had severe congenital
kidney problems. That alone resulted in four kidney surgeries that ultimately
gave him ostomy's in his back because his kidneys kept working backwards
otherwise. My boy was just about the cutest little baby boy I'd ever seen! He
had my red hair and long fuzzy red sideburns all the way down his face. He
looked like a tiny baby Elvis! It took two months through all his struggles
and me pumping my milk and taking it to the hospital constantly for my son to
make it to 4 pounds 12 ounces. Oh, the endless hours of the tears running down
my face while I was pumping my milk for months for him while he was in the
hospital and then taking it to him everyday or twice a day! It was such a long

                When he was fairing pretty well after two months, we took him
home at four pounds and 12 ounces. The next day he got a fever of 104 or 105
and was back in the hospital. We had an entire year of this in and out of the
hospital and all those awful fevers and tests he had to go through. At one
year old my son was only ten pounds. He couldn't keep much down short of Nilla
wafers! He loved those! They wouldn't even tell us that our son was learning
impaired until he was about 15 months old.  The doctors had pretty much known
all along but just kept asking us, "Well, what do you want to do?" THAT'S
about the stupidest question I've ever heard! "What do you mean what do I want
to do! I want my son to feel better, I want his fever under control, I want
this to NOT keep happening, I want YOU to take care of him so we can go home
and live our lives!" I was a very upset 20 year old young woman and was about
at my wits end.  I didn't understand then that they were asking my permission
to let him go. Why does it seem like some of us have such overwhelming lives?

                My little boy  struggled through kidney infections and ear
problems for the next five years until his kidney specialists convinced us to
agree to this surgery severing his urethra from his kidneys and putting the
ostomy openings in his back. That was the key to that problem. It took about
three and a half years for him to learn to walk. A few years later he needed
surgery to correct the curvature in his spine from severe scoliosis so that he
could continue to walk. That was the worst!  He didn't understand what was
going on. He had to wear a back brace for several years after that. He had
about a dozen ear surgeries to put tubes into his ears to improve the chronic
ear infections and then there was his eye surgery that I got to go through
completely on my own. That was an absolute nightmare.  I had no idea that
there was a prosesis in his eye cavity.  When I took him to get his artificial
eye "designed" the eye guy just ripped off his eye patch and flipped the just
device out! I nearly passed out! WHAT is wrong with these people who think
just because a child is retarded, that he. . . . . . . . that we have
absolutely no feelings? All the time these agonizing surgeries are going on,
my son has absolutely no idea why he hurts so badly. He is microsophalic. His
head just didn't grow quite big enough.

                My son is 29 years old now, and is very happy living in an
"assisted living" home. He has the capacity of a two year old. He's about as
tall as I am (five feet tall), his red hair has turned to brown and he has the
most gorgeous red moustache! His voice is very deep and he sounds just like
his father. He doesn't have infections any more and is THE happiest person
you'll ever know. He's just happy all the time. He loves to give hugs and he
LOVES his room with all his toys!

                All the doctors said that my type 1 Diabetes was not to blame
for the crisis that we endured with my son. However,  as women we blame
ourselves for what happens whether or not we can begin to do anything about
it. We are the healers, band-aid suppliers and the expert boo-boo kissers!

                After all these years of hurting and wishing with every ounce
of my being, that my son didn't hurt so much, I now understand what all the
doctors were talking about when they would revive him each time. The pain that
we have endured with our son being so sick, is immense! Sometimes, I'm sure
that when things don't turn out "the perfect way" that we would have wished
for, it's really a blessing in disguise! My children's father and I are now
divorced. Only my mother in law and Mom would go to see our son, although they
have both have passed away many years ago. All the other people in the family
would never ask, never visit, never even want to know because it was too
uncomfortable for them. Now, only my youngest daughter remembers my son's
birthday, for me!

                I pray that you will let your heart cry for your son and thank
God that He has released you from a life time caring for a severely disabled
child, especially one that doesn't ever understand why.

                A great deal of my journey has been about loss. Although I
don't understand the why's, it's molded me into a very compassionate,  caring
and loving person. Truly, through all the lessons I've learned, THIS I know
the most: You can't ever begin to understand another person's choices or
decisions until you have walked in THEIR SHOES!

                Just telling you all about my son is exhausting! Truly, I have
cried a river! I pray that my letter brings you love and understanding about
your painful journey! I would love to hear from you. Be well Julie!

            With Love and Caring, Kathleen

            Copyright October 26, 2003, Kathleen Rose

             -------Original Message-------

            From: email @ redacted
            Date: Monday, October 27, 2003 16:28:22
            To: email @ redacted
            Subject: [IP] Re:

            Julie Cott <email @ redacted> wrote:


            I am a 30 year old type 1 diabetic. I just lost my 29 week old
son. He was
            still born. Just wondering if anyone out there had any words of
advice or
            words of wisdom. Dr's say this might not have been totally related
            diabetes, but I just dont know.
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