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Re: [IP] cry for help.....(long)

     I wish I could reach out through the computer to give you a giant 
{{{HUG}}}} & take away your pain, which comes through loud & clear, as does 
Justin's. I also wish there were some easy answers- but unfortunately, there 
just aren't any. All of us, whether we are involved in organizations like JDF 
or ADA or not, grapple with wanting to do the best for our kids. All of us 
feel their pain when wishing they could make this all GO AWAY, but sadly they 
can't....and we can't.
    My first suggestion would be to use your JDF contacts to try to locate a 
therapist who specializes in living with chronic conditions. The more 
involved I become with diabetes advocacy, the more convinced I am that the 
emotional/psychological component of this disease is grossly underserved. 
Justin needs his own advocate who can support his frustrations & desire to be 
free of this, as opposed to chiding him for all that he's NOT doing. It seems 
simplistic, but I try to tell parents that the goal is to get your child ( 
especially teens!) to grasp the notion that by doing MORE, they can actually 
do LESS- i.e. by testing often & being on top of impending problems, THEY can 
exert the necessary means to avert that scenario & steer themselves back on 
track. By using the pump to maintain as "normal" (yeah right) a life as 
possible, they can mandate meal times, bedtimes, social events, etc. The 
"trade-off" needed to achieve these "benefits" though is the diligent 
honoring of the need to blood test. That's really ALL that Justin is doing 
wrong. His not wanting to test in front of his peers or go to the nurse, etc. 
is all perfectly rational, but by thinking he's letting you down, or by 
thinking this "conflict avoidance" is a means of "making it all go away" he's 
actually augmenting his own inner turmoil, adding guilt and shame to the 
equation, not to mention knowing he's disappointed you.
   No, I wouldn't advise taking away his sports OR his pump - unless HE wants 
to go back to shots. Being on shots though isn't going to transform him into 
a NON-diabetic, nor will it alleviate the reality that he NEEDS to be 
checking his blood sugar. I know it's hard ( try impossible!) NOT to be angry 
& accusatory when confronting him, but perhaps acknowledging that you are 
BOTH frustrated, albeit for different reasons, and that you BOTH need to 
brain-storm some viable solutions might be therapeutic all around. 
   If his reluctance to check with the nurse stems from embarrassment, as 
silly as that may seem to adult pumpers, that IS his reality & has to be 
addressed. Can he check in the bathroom? Can you compromise on having him 
check 3 times per week at lunch? 
   Lastly, stop beating YOURSELF up.....on the contrary, try patting yourself 
on the back - yup, that's right - for caring enough about Justin to reach out 
to the Ipers in search of help and support, even at the risk of thinking 
you'd be "tarred & feathered" for being a bad mommy! LOL...Lots of us have 
"been there/done that" - just might not have been as candid about sharing our 
failures along with our triumphs!! My greatest wisdom gleaned over the years 
came NOT from those moms who bragged about how wonderful their children were, 
but from those who admitted prorblems & offered constructive solutions.
Regards, Renee (Melissa's pump mom)
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