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[IP] Re: denial

Jenni wrote:

>I am having a hard time admitting to my diabetic lifestyle.  I tell myself 
> I am diabetic, I realize I am diabetic.  I tell others I am diabetic, yet I 
> do not live as a diabetic.  I have been on the pump 4 yrs and I eat whatever I
>please, never adjusting a bolus for a "treat".  In fact, sometimes I only
>bolus once in 48 hours!!  Will I ever live up to the fact I am diabetic?  
>Its been 6 yrs!!!  Has anyone else had this prob?

Ohhhh, yes, I've had it in spades!

First of all, I don't think it's denial per se -- more like rebellion.
It's feeling like saying "Don't try telling ME that I have to do all
these things, 'cause I'm just not gonna!!" 

It's also wishful thinking -- "Maybe the diabetes went away while I
wasn't looking."

I've been working on ways to cope. First of all, there are some things I
will and some things I just WON'T do. Random eating is one thing I won't
give up. And sometimes I do just what you do -- don't bolus when I
should. And pay the consequences later by not feeling well. In the early
days of my diabetes, I would just skip shots for days -- because I had
(and still have) endogenous insulin production, I didn't go into DKA,
but my BGs just went up and up and I ended up miserable. That's what
always drove me back to shots.

One of the good things about the pump, for ME is that I don't have to
remember to take basal shots -- I have to actively rebel, by doing,
rather than passively rebel by NOT doing.  

Second, my insulin is always with me, and when I don't want to bolus, I
ask myself if it's really that hard to press a few buttons. Even if I
don't want to calculate, I can at least take a conservative amount to
help my body at least a little. On shots, I used to rebel by not
summoning up the energy to go get my syringe and insulin, or later, pen,
wherever they might be. Or I'd head out to lunch with friends, knowing
full well I didn't have my insulin with me.  

I also gave myself permission to schedule "official rebellions" -- once
every three months, to keep myself on track for the rest of the time. So
I schedule a weekend, when I have no other commitments, to just stop
taking insulin. My BG goes up rapidly, and by the second day, I can't
stand it any more, and so go back on the pump. This one is a
manifestation of seeing whether it went away while I wasn't looking. Fat
chance, eh??

I guess I'm lucky in that I get symptoms of high BGs very clearly when
my BG is above 200 for any length of time. And they're not pleasant! And
at that point, I TELL myself -- this is because you're diabetic, dummy,
and you NEED the insulin. It ain't a game! And it not only didn't go
away, it's gonna turn around and BITE you if you don't get your act
together and fly straight!

As a slow emotional learner, I NEED that reminder from time to time, and
so I give myself permission to TAKE that reminder. A few days of high
BGs in a year's time is NOT going to do a lot of damage, if it motivates
me to take better care of myself during the rest of the year. 

Anyway, my methods may not work for you, but at least I understand what
you're going through, and that it doesn't resolve overnight, just
because you think it OUGHT to. 

Good luck!  
 ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- 
 Natalie A. Sera, with all her ducks in a row!
 Type Weird, pumping!
 mailto:email @ redacted
 ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c-._c- ._c- ._(` ._c- ._c- 
 Can YOU find the ugly duckling? (Hint: it ain't the pumperduck!)
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