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Re: [IP] Why I am obsessed with Control

<snip>Since I have seen first hand the complications of diabetes, I am
with control for Kap. 
Does seeking control with every fiber in your body less of a search for 
anyone that hasn't known anyone with diabetes and it dreadful

Let me start off this post by saying that I am SO glad that I am the one
with diabetes, not one of my younger brothers or sister (yes, this was
among the first comments I made after dx).  I can not imagine how hard it
would be to have a child with diabetes, and I admire all of what you
parents do for your children.  If I was managing my child's (in particular,
but anyone else's to some degree), I would have a completely different view
(any maybe even way) of helping them manage thier diabetes than I manage mine.

I do not seek control with "ever fiber of my body".  I have seen
complications.  I've seen many.  I've been scared that I've had them (the
whole protien in the urine thing, but then the 24 hour was okay).  I've
felt how much it hurts to be on the friend/relative side too.  I also know
that in someways it is a crap shoot whether you have complications or not
(that is also influenced by genes).  I know that I do have an influence
over my risk of getting complications.  But if I get a complication, ***It
will NOT necessarily be my fault***  The more control I have, the more I
decrease my risk of complications.  Also, the better I feel.  Idealy I
would love to always be between 100-140 (my target, due to a long history
of fast crashes, which really don't happen often now that I'm on the pump,
but I still will on occassion).  I'm not "obsessed" with control.  I knew
going into my first backpacking trip post-pump, I would not be as in
control.  I guessed at my basal (with my CDE's input), cut them in 1/2 had
a few lows, then 1/3 while I was hiking.  The first night I stopped hiking
I was low100 range.  Three hours later, I was in the 500's.  Got it back
down.  1/3 of my basal has worked really well with the hiking portion of
the day, but EVERYTIME I would shoot up to the 500's within (I figured out
later) about 2 hours.  I tested a lot, I didn't find any lows, so I started
to square wave a bolus over the two hours after I finish.  If control was
my ultimate goal in life, then I wouldn't have gone in the first place.  I
knew my needs would be different (I had no idea that it would be that
weird) but I still thought the enjoyment from the backpacking trip would be
worth it as a trade off.  The trade off with things like logging versus
stress is more subtle.   For me personally, I can get very stressed of the
numbers.  When I was on a specific meal plan at specific times, I was much
more unpleasent to be around (ask my friends).  I was always worried about
what time it was, would exactly would I eat so I would get the right number
of carbs, exc.  I like who I am a lot better when I am not obsessed.  I
love life a lot more too.  Even if I knew that if I did, X I would live Y
longer, but if I do A I would enjoy life more (while for not as long): it
would be a very hard choice to make.  When I have children, my answer might
be different.  But maybe it won't.  I certianly am going to want my kids to
remember me as LOVING LIFE!

Another difference is that I know I will always always always have to deal
with diabetes.  I hope and pray and dream for a cure, but I'm not counting
on it.  If I had a child with diabetes, the care would be more of a finite
period of time (or at least I hope that is what my goal is).  It might be a
very long period of time and I would always help in the ways I could, but I
would also want my child to be independent.  I think it is most parents
goal to teach their child to be an independent "good" person.  While it
would be hard to give up control to the child, the child would need to
function on field trips, then at summer camps, then college or a job
without my constant input.  Even still, I think I would have to sacrific
some control for enjoying life.  I know that at least the first few times
my child has pizza/chinese/other problem food, that some control will be
sacrificed.  But what does that pizza mean to my child?  Is it their
favorite food?  Do they just want to eat it with everyone else?

My opinions probably will change as I grow older, but I am doing my best to
make decisions that I won't truely regret in the future (thank you very
much Ted and Darlene for saying the other side, even if I don't agree it is
good to hear).  I don't regret that I didn't start pumping earlier than I
did.  I knew about pumping and I did not want to do it.  If I had a pump
then, I would have hated it!  I was convinced (eventually) that pumping is
a good thing.  And I love Jude, and would never go back to injections (well
without a huge fight).


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