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Re:[IP] Trouble admitting problems "doing" DM orhearingaboutpeoplehaving problems?...WHY!!!?]]]


I received this post just before I was leaving on vacation and if I hadn't screwed
up trying to unsubscribe while I was gone, I probably wouldn't have received it.  I
am grateful that I did and have been wanting to respond, so here it goes.

>  I know that for some of you
> suicide is not an option, BUT I am also sure there are a few of you at some
> point in your life it seemed like a very real option...

Yes, I shall be brave and admit that it was a real option, three times in my life.
It's been almost 11 years since my last attempt and this may sound crazy but due to
a promise I made to a dying friend I will not attempt it again.  I can also say
that I am grateful that I was not successful.  I still think about it sometimes
when I get real frustrated with DM.  For me recently it's not so much the DM but
dealing with the nurses, doctors, pump people, pharmacies, getting all the crap we
need to take care of ourselves.

> think you might get...  We might also find that we aren't the only ones having
> high averages it we take the first couragous step of mentioning it...

I was afraid at first to ask, post anything but I have quickly found that there are
some really wonderful loving people on this list, which has made it easier.

> How do you feel when another person talks about having problems managing their
> DM?

I wish I could make it all better for them.  I wish I could take it away from
them.  I hope and pray that what I have to say may help them.  My heart goes out to
them, for I know to a certain degree how hard it is.  We can never fully understand
( IMHO) what another person is going through for DM is different for each of us,
but I do believe we have a far greater understanding than someone is not DM.  A
month ago a friend of mine told me she has gestational diabetes.  She told me that
she had always had an appreciation for what it was I went through, but she went on
to say that now that she's doing the finger prick, having to watch what she eats,
etc., she has a far greater appreciation and is in awe that I have been doing this
for 36 years.

Since my return of my vacation I've been working from home, well trying too,
nursing my dying cat.  He has cancer and we will put him down tomorrow.  I know for
some of you it may be difficult to relate because it's an animal.  For me though I
decided before I was a teenager that I would never have kids because I did not want
to pass on this disease to another humane being.  ( Please, this is my choice and I
don't want to stir anything up, and others have their choice, which I truly
respect).  Anyway, for me my Sammy is my child and this has been the hardest week
of my life.  My diabetes has gone to hell and a hand basket, although I think being
on the pump has made it much more bearable.  But bottom line it has taken every
ounce of my being to go poke that finger, to force that juice down because I am not
hungry, to change my site ( I left it in for 5 days longest ever ), and on and on.
And you bet I am angry.  I want to devote myself to my kids last few days and not
have to take care of me, but I must.

>  blamed myself for not
> "doing" DM better...

I really hate that one.  My Dr back from where I moved from was great for he always
reinforced that I was doing great.

> thrown insulin bottles across the room in frustration...

Done that a few times and learned that I must find tile to actually get it to
brake!  :-)  It just feels better to see the bottle break into a million pieces.  I
allow myself to do stuff like that, for I throw it and within minutes I feel
better.  I don't get down on myself anymore for hating this disease and expressing
my rage.

> attempted to "play darts" with syringes..

I'll have to try this one.

> At times I haven't made the best decisions and I have no regrets...


Thank you Jim so much for sharing this with me and all of us.  It is always so
comforting to know I am not alone in my fears, thoughts, tears, and anger.

Fran B.
Type I age 3, 1963

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