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Re: [IP] Trouble admitting problems "doing" DM or hearing about people having problems?...WHY!!!?

Hi!..You must have been reading my mind or that someone was looking down on me..I
was just thinking about..Am I the only diabetic that is having problems getting it
right?.. then your message appeared and I read it..thank God!  I have been pumping
since Sept...my A1C dropped a bit then last one was up 9.2 (not good).. my endo
wants to see a 7.2 A1C..my bg is all over the place and my red light food is
"sweets"..damned if I do, and damned if I don't..this is an addiction I'm dealing
with.. and the profession and family things its just don't eat it.. its that
easy...but it's not!  The guilt is back, sneaking food and bolusing with a needle
so my diabetic nurse doesn't read all the insulin I'm taking via my pump.. it's a
vicious circle.. but thank God! I'm human..I'll just pick myself up, dust myself
off, and start all over again.. I really love this site..but I think people should
be more honest with themselves and others..lets hear exactly what's going on..

email @ redacted wrote:

> (with minor changes - originally written in 1996)
> Hi All,
> I haven't posted much recently, but on this overcast day I am going to attempt
> to start a philosophical discussion...
> Over the last few years on several lists and in group settings, the "OUTWARD
> APPEARANCE" is that very few people have difficulty "DOING" DM... (dealing with
> it emotionally...)
> When the "having difficulty" subjects come up they seem to either get very few
> responses or a lot of "try these mechanics" suggestions...
> A couple years ago I asked Arturo (MD with diabetes mailing list): "If you were
> diagnosed with DM do you think you could do what was required to manage it?"
> (probably not exact wording, but close)   I gained a lot of respect for Arturo
> when he answered that he thought he would have problems managing DM.
> I was amazed at the negative responses when someone posted about a doctor
> stating he would commit suicide if diagnosed with DM.  Saying "DM isn't that
> bad" doesn't change a very real emotional response - other than making it NOT
> OK to talk about.  I know of 3 DM acquaintenances who at one point during their
> DM life did actually attempt suicide because of their feelings related to the
> DM.   My only real thoughts about attempting suicide came over 31 years ago
> within a few days of being diagnosed with DM...  I know that for some of you
> suicide is not an option, BUT I am also sure there are a few of you at some
> point in your life it seemed like a very real option...
> I also know of more than a few people (including those on pumps), myself
> included, who have stopped or greatly reduced their diabetes management actions
> for periods of time, in spite of the possible consequences.
> How many of you are afraid to post BG averages because of the responses you
> think you might get...  We might also find that we aren't the only ones having
> high averages it we take the first couragous step of mentioning it...
> I know there are more than one person who were on diet only and were "starving
> themselves" to keep from going on medication... Or simply stopped testing the
> BG because it was always "too high".
> Why does it seem OK to make ice cream or candy "runs" when a group of us (most
> with diabetes) get together - and noone seems to even question the action?
> Might the group "make it" OK to act on unspoken desires???...
> How do you feel when another person talks about having problems managing their
> DM?
> Have any of you had problems dealing with DM and not felt safe talking about
> the problems?
> Why does it seem that with DM there is so much talk about the way it "should be
> done" and so little about the way it is really done?...
> At times I've said "I've had enough" related to DM and continued putting one
> foot in front of the other...  bought the half-gallon of ice cream and eaten
> most of it...  Only tested once a day... purchased and eaten the half or full
> dozen donuts...  not acknowledged the hypo because I was "too busy"... not
> taken the injection and eaten anyway...   been very lax and gotten "good"
> results...  been compulsive and gotten "bad" results...  blamed myself for not
> "doing" DM better...  thrown insulin bottles across the room in frustration...
> attempted to "play darts" with syringes...cried because I don't want to have
> DM...  used DM as an excuse for not going to food related social gatherings...
> felt hurt during office meetings when everything had sugar (lots...) and would
> not admit it was a problem...   been very angry about having DM...   &&&&&&
> At times I haven't made the best decisions and I have no regrets...
> DM sucks...  BUT so do the thorns on a beautiful rose if you run into them the
> "wrong way"...
> What is your most difficult problem living with DM?
> Are you ever angry about having DM but unwilling to acknowledge the anger?
> Do you ever think you're the only one having a specific problem dealing with
> DM? It takes courage to ask but there will probably be more than a couple
> people having a similar problem...
> At times I feel bad about my DM management, even as I'm being told I'm doing
> great...  Bet I'm not the only one!   Anyone ever think that there might be
> something missing from the way DM is treated...
> DM control is simple (in theory) and definitely NOT EASY to achieve... (even
> using a pump)
> Picked up at another time and place but still valid:
> Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
> Courage to change the things I can
> And the wisdom to know the difference...
> Jim S.                          (type I, pump since 08/94, dx 10/09/65)
> mailto:email @ redacted
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Insulin Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/
> for mail subscription assistance, contact: HELP@insulin-pumpers.org

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