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[IP] Trouble admitting problems "doing" DM or hearing about people having problems?...WHY!!!?

(with minor changes - originally written in 1996)

Hi All, 

I haven't posted much recently, but on this overcast day I am going to attempt
to start a philosophical discussion...  

Over the last few years on several lists and in group settings, the "OUTWARD
APPEARANCE" is that very few people have difficulty "DOING" DM... (dealing with
it emotionally...) 

When the "having difficulty" subjects come up they seem to either get very few
responses or a lot of "try these mechanics" suggestions... 

A couple years ago I asked Arturo (MD with diabetes mailing list): "If you were
diagnosed with DM do you think you could do what was required to manage it?" 
(probably not exact wording, but close)   I gained a lot of respect for Arturo
when he answered that he thought he would have problems managing DM. 

I was amazed at the negative responses when someone posted about a doctor
stating he would commit suicide if diagnosed with DM.  Saying "DM isn't that
bad" doesn't change a very real emotional response - other than making it NOT
OK to talk about.  I know of 3 DM acquaintenances who at one point during their
DM life did actually attempt suicide because of their feelings related to the
DM.   My only real thoughts about attempting suicide came over 31 years ago
within a few days of being diagnosed with DM...  I know that for some of you
suicide is not an option, BUT I am also sure there are a few of you at some
point in your life it seemed like a very real option...   

I also know of more than a few people (including those on pumps), myself
included, who have stopped or greatly reduced their diabetes management actions
for periods of time, in spite of the possible consequences. 

How many of you are afraid to post BG averages because of the responses you
think you might get...  We might also find that we aren't the only ones having
high averages it we take the first couragous step of mentioning it... 

I know there are more than one person who were on diet only and were "starving
themselves" to keep from going on medication... Or simply stopped testing the
BG because it was always "too high". 

Why does it seem OK to make ice cream or candy "runs" when a group of us (most
with diabetes) get together - and noone seems to even question the action? 
Might the group "make it" OK to act on unspoken desires???... 

How do you feel when another person talks about having problems managing their

Have any of you had problems dealing with DM and not felt safe talking about
the problems? 

Why does it seem that with DM there is so much talk about the way it "should be
done" and so little about the way it is really done?... 

At times I've said "I've had enough" related to DM and continued putting one
foot in front of the other...  bought the half-gallon of ice cream and eaten
most of it...  Only tested once a day... purchased and eaten the half or full
dozen donuts...  not acknowledged the hypo because I was "too busy"... not
taken the injection and eaten anyway...   been very lax and gotten "good"
results...  been compulsive and gotten "bad" results...  blamed myself for not
"doing" DM better...  thrown insulin bottles across the room in frustration... 
attempted to "play darts" with syringes...cried because I don't want to have
DM...  used DM as an excuse for not going to food related social gatherings... 
felt hurt during office meetings when everything had sugar (lots...) and would
not admit it was a problem...   been very angry about having DM...   &&&&&& 

At times I haven't made the best decisions and I have no regrets... 

DM sucks...  BUT so do the thorns on a beautiful rose if you run into them the
"wrong way"... 

What is your most difficult problem living with DM?   

Are you ever angry about having DM but unwilling to acknowledge the anger? 

Do you ever think you're the only one having a specific problem dealing with
DM? It takes courage to ask but there will probably be more than a couple
people having a similar problem... 

At times I feel bad about my DM management, even as I'm being told I'm doing
great...  Bet I'm not the only one!   Anyone ever think that there might be
something missing from the way DM is treated...   

DM control is simple (in theory) and definitely NOT EASY to achieve... (even
using a pump)

Picked up at another time and place but still valid: 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change 
Courage to change the things I can 
And the wisdom to know the difference... 

Jim S.                          (type I, pump since 08/94, dx 10/09/65)
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