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[IP] [Fwd: Fwd: Some serious truths...]




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Just read the first part of the following, I believe I already sent you the
"Darwin Awards".

Kim

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> 1.  Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
> 
> 2.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
> 
> 3.  One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
> 
> 4.  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say
> it.
> 
> 5.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
> 
> 6.  The older you get, the better you realize you were.
> 
> 7.  I doubt, therefore I might be.
> 
> 8.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
> 
> 9.  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
> 
> 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
> 
> 11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
> 
> 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
> and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
> 
> 13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
> 
> 14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
> 
> 15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
> 
> 16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
> 
> 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
> 
> 18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
> 
> 19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
> 
> 20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
> 
> 21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
> 
> 22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
> 
> 23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
> 
> 24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
> 
> 25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

> > 1998 DARWIN AWARDS
> > They have finally been released!  For those not familiar with the
> > Darwin Award  - It's an annual honor given to the person who
provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting
killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.  As always, competition
this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained
their whole lives for this event.

> > DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
> > 1.    In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys

> > 2.    In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally
jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

> > 3.    Buxton, NC:  A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole
he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind,
and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon
when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.  People on the
beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to
claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not
reach him.. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an
hour to free him while about 200 people looked on.  Jones was
pronounced dead at a hospital.
>
> > 4.    In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc,
CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.
>
> > 5.    According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick
Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey
Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate
the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
>
> > 6.    Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put
a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
>
> > 7.    In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
>
> > 8.    In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high
bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross
that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in
1990.
> >
> > DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
> > 1)    In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
in the head, fracturing his skull.
>
> > 2)    In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to
clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of
a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
>
> > 3)    Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ,
in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
of dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 AM,
the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that
the window was closed.
>
> > 4)    Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:  In Betulia, Colombia, an
annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting.  This year, no bull was  killed, but dozens of matadors
were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a
thousand Morons."
>
> > SOME MORE ALSO-RANS
> > 1)    Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre
accidents.  Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by
flying masonry, Tim  Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash
and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran
suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of
her right hand had been bitten off.  Moeller had just dropped her
husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye
kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.  "I'm still not sure why I did
it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think
anyone would see.  Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two
seconds."  However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his
cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical
Building.  Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning
Corcoran's teeth.  The crash of the cab against the building making
her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick.. In shock, he
bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound
was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
> >
> > 2)    TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after
eating three birth-control vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad
she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
herself.  A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed
doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some
kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers.  After
the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and
mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison
Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to
flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
> >
> > 3)    La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a
trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My
dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must
have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped
against the dog and sat down right on the thing "  The extraction took
more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's
phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the
entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe.  "Tony just cracked jokes and
really seemed to be enjoying himself.  Three times during the
extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that
just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really
did expect to find an answering machine in there".
>
> > 4)    TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped
from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the
bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.  Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.  His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
>
> > 5)    BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily,
were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading
peanut-butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter,
lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at
Christopher's penis and testicles.  Rudy refused to obey commands and
a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog.
The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume.
Startled,  Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis.  While trying to
get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital,
Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle..  Christopher's penis
was in a styrofoam ice cooler "Chris is just plain lucky," said the
surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or
not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol
content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize
the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the
dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal.  It's really a very
stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of
regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal
Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

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