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[IP] my feelings--long

Hi everyone--
 I don't know if it's all the bad things that have
happened lately, or how in school people are tyring to
get us to express how we truly feel, or how I lately
keep meeting kids (I wish there were more teens!) just
diagnosed with diabetes and sadly having problems but
I just have to share. Just some blabbing, but I need
to get it out.
 -I'm debating returning to shots. I cannot say that
that is what I really want, but at night i think about
it. It seems nothing will get my bg under control, and
no one knows if it's the mechanical pump, humalog, my
hormones or whatever. As several online friends know,
at night you are my support! You encourage me that
I've dealt with enough probs why give up now. I do
wake up thinking, I'm strong, and if I returned to
shots I would feel like I'd given up on myself.
Nothing is easy in life, this is just hard as hell. I
do wish I knew if it was my age and if on shots I'd
have the same problems, but I don't think going back
to them is worth it. And so many people keep asking me
to teach them about the pump (i think it'd be neat to
at the hospital) and I think I'd look like a hypocrite
having gone off it but still advocating it. I love the
freedom the pump has given me, nad in November when I
had one of my highest a1c's in teh past 5 yrs, it
didn't bother me too much, yes, I cried b/c I've been
working my as* off and things only got worse than on
shots, but I did encounter a lot of problems, why
everything went downhill with that UTI I don't know,
but it did happen. Today, I went into the clinic. High
of course, have had nothing to eat all day just in an
attempt to get bg down, well after 3 corrections, my #
finally budged! I'm hapy about that, but at school it
only went up, and didn't come down (first time today,
after 3 corrections) I'm 103!!! I just wish i could
have had lunch with that! I don't know why but it
seems the school nurse "touched" me today. She was so
supportive last year, when I would crash every day she
would be there. Then I got the pump, i remember when I
went in the clinic with a 400 and not knowing what to
do since I'd done everythign I'd been taught already
and noticed nothing, she wouldn't know either. I felt
alone in that sense. She visited me in hospital on
Thursday, I'm glad she did. Yes, she agrees the
hospital is bad, she's always been telling me that. I
do think she has learned so much about D just from me
alone, and she always tells me how everyone manages it
differently. She brought up a scholarship thing with
my dad b/c she knows of things I've done related to D.
She keeps an eye out for me. I hadn't realized it this
year because now I do bg in class and all that, but I
did stop in today. I dropped off syringes and Rapid
infusion sets. And my pump was in my bra, and had been
told not to bolus in teh bathroom, so I was high and
went to the clinic at lunch so I could bolus, but also
because I needed to talk with her. She is soooooo
caring, she isn't the most knowledgable about pumps,
but even so I liked her advice. She is like a step
back compared to people I chat with on the computer,
but she suggested doing the Regular in teh pump,
pushing my endo to agree to it, as like what else
could go wrong. I mentioned going to shots and she
poitns out I've come this far, and again, they may not
help either. I guess I'd forgotten, but over the past
few months she has been witness to some of the humalog
not working problems. She was honest with me. I like
that, and she knows enough about it. Not that it's
"comforting" but the day I landed in hospital, another
school nurse where I went to meet a newly diagnosed 12
yr old told me he wsa having problems with highs
(pointing out that we all do). And in hospital "my"
school nurse said I wasn' teh only one. I am the most
diligent (and the only girl! out of at least 7 kids in
the city) and work so hard but seem to have so many
darn problems. When i did go back (she gave the
studnets with D their own room in our new building,
how nice..always offers me to go their for privacy
saying she'd rather, but I'd rather not b/c i guess i
talk:-). I did see pen needles, so i'm not the only
one actually using insulin at school now.
 This is all off topic, but I just had to "write". I
think I've had too many problems but there's always
someone to listen, although at times I wish there was
someone on the phone (rather than me running online)
b/c that would just be nice, but there's a lot of
support. Thanks Ed, Maureen, Mag, Sherry, Betsy to
name a few.
 And friends from camp I talk to, seems i'm the only
one with that crazy of bg, but we all understand. I
told my best friend from camp I was fed up and she
went into exactly teh same thing a few weeks back and
totally understood, made such a difference. 
 I have lately gotten emails from people who've seen
my website asking if I recommend the pump, etc, etc,
sadly enough, I don't know anymore. I will be a peds
endo one day, and pro pump, but right now I'm not
quite sure. I don't know why hell broke loose, and I
keep hearing of more and more people who actually did
better on shots. That scares me, I was sooo looking
forward to my pump. I think my stubborness and
determination keeps me going, and it's goign to work
one day. Even if my endo is no help it will work.
People have been suggesting V or R to me for months,
in November (yes i do hear ya:-) my endo said no.
Well, we did things his way for a few months and look
who ended up in hospital with a bg over 800! so I
don't plan on leaving his office without a REAL plan
for success, I'm thinking of REgular in the pump, but
for some reason I think he may mention using a pen for
a little while..I never did, I wnated one right b4 i
got the pump but it wouldn't have been worth the money
for that short time.
 Overall I still think I am propump. I found myself
talking about it to that boy and the school nurse, me
just whipping it out so she could understand. And in
hospital I was proud to teach them and glad they
WANTED to learn.
 I don't know what my appt will bring about, hopefully
a fix to the highs but nothing's ever for sure. I am
scared of that a1c b/c it will just remind me how much
better they were a year ago on shots.  I still love my
pump though--the freedom, the fact i finally found a
way to hide it in my bra, how people are curious and
eager to learn. I don't like the ignorance out there
(PCPS here) but...
 Enough blabbing. Funny enough all my teenage friends
have pumps or are in the process of persuading the
endo to let them...
 As the World Turns....
 At least one good thing, I haven't been over 285
today, and i have had a very succesfful set in my arm


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