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[IP] More Creepies (long post: ASTRAL WONDER)

Hello Jinaphir,
You may remember me from my 'vegan diabetix' post (thanks for responding).
I always read your mail to the IP group. Your  'creepies' sound similar to
mine. I wonder if some of the responses might have been a bit restrained. I
think I know what you're referring to, and will attempt to give you as
detailed a description of two of my experiences as I can. I have a feeling
there are a lot of people who've felt this, but perhaps don't feel
comfortable talking about it.

I'm mostly prone to mild reactions since getting on the pump (7/4/97), but
I will still occasionally get creepies. The "looking in the mirror and
wondering who's there" description hit home for me, and I on two occasions
experienced a profound sense of what can only be described as "astral
wonder." Now, I am the furthest thing from a New Ager, and I'm pretty
suspicious of almost anything that can't be scientifically proven, but I
guess the lack of glucose in the brain can cause a certain type of
euphoria. My endo told me that a diabetic can actually become "addicted" to
hypoglycemia, and until he said this, it hadn't occurred to me as a basis
for my struggles with lows. At least now I don't feel like the lows are
anywhere near as dangerous.

(In my best Rod Serling intonation) Submitted for your consideration: Two
examples of ASTRAL WONDER

 1) I'm at work and lots of calls are coming in. I'm having trouble finding
words for the people who are calling. Suddenly, I feel like the calls
aren't coming from people, exactly, and there is a symmetry to the
information I am receiving, and if in the next three calls I "behave" or
"think" a certain way then... well, this is where it gets kind of heavy. I
really thought that if I just hung up the phone and walk outside "right
now" then I will have solved some kind of ultimate puzzle, and quite
simply, the world will end, and everyone alive or dead will become the
cosmic entities they have always known they were. My mood switched from
confusion to absolute certainty. I became at once solemn, grave, and
utterly euphoric. I carefully walked to the elevator, carefully exited the
building, and was somewhat frustrated that the world looked exactly the
same. So I just walked to the drugstore and bought a soda.

2) More recently (on the pump), I was trying to decide what to fix myself
for dinner. I must have been staring into the refrigerator for 5 minutes.
Then, I was seized by a powerful paranoia: that I wasn't being a good
person; that my roommate must think I'm an incredible ingrate; that I'm way
too self-involved and can't begin to have a clue as to what people really
think of me. These feelings shifted pretty quickly to something much more
intense: Nobody ever dies. The people who are suffering and dying now are
just people like me who have at some point in their lives come to this same
realization, and they are merely "aging" but not really "dying," and that
their pain is not really "felt" even though they may seem to be in great
distress {please forgive me for the arrogance of this assumption}. This led
me into some troublesome thoughts about good and evil. If nobody dies or
suffers, then isn't it okay to live however you feel like living no matter
how much pain and suffering you might inflict on other people? This, in
turn, led me to consider the possibility that maybe there aren't really
individual "lives," but that there is simply one consciousness, and that we
use this "shared awareness" as kind of a life force. As I continued to
spiral inward, I felt I'd again reached a state of consciousness completely
apart from science, nature, philosophy, and ethics. I felt I understood
that Life, the actual "living" part of Life, was the ultimate answer -
really, the only thing there is. I again felt it was ALL in my hands. I had
to write these things down, and if tomorrow I tell my girlfriend what I'd
learned, then like some magical key turning in a magical lock, all the pain
and suffering would be over, and everyone would have ME to thank for it.
Or, I could just drink some OJ.

I don't know if you're like me and read too much science fiction as an
adolescent, but I suspect this combined with low brain glucose is where
this nonsense springs from. It may also sound like acid flashbacks, but I
assure you I've never done hallucinogenic drugs. It's definitely a sense of
euphoria -- when my bg gets back to normal, I realize how little I really
understand and life is still a big, beautiful mystery.

Sorry to go on so long. Stay well,


email @ redacted on 01/11/99 04:10:37 PM

Please respond to email @ redacted

To:   email @ redacted
cc:    (bcc: Peter Hayes/news/TWP)
Subject:  [IP] Creepies

Does anyone else here have severe panic attacks (so to speak) when your
sugar drops?  When my BG gets low I start to freak out about who I am and
I do the things I do, and say things I say.  Like looking in the mirror and
wondering who you are.  I get all panicked about dying etc.  I heard of
someone else with diabetes doing this also, and wondered if any of you have
experienced this?
Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/

Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/