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Re: [IP] taboo feelings

Some observations, coming from my current place of severe depression,
but maybe it's lifting, who knows?

Janet Lafler wrote:
> But I think there's some resistance to the idea that we may continue to
> have emotional problems off and on for the rest of our lives. Most
> of us want to believe that at some point we'll become reconciled to
> diabetes -- permanently. Does that ever happen?

Maybe it depends on the individual, and whether you have other
conditions complicating the matter, such as family history, and tendency
to depression. 
No, *I'M* not reconciled to diabetes, and pretty much doubt I ever will
> My experience is that grieving is a cyclical process. There are times
> when I feel that I'm done with it, but it always comes back in some form
> or other. But because it comes and goes, I'm not always in the right
> frame of mind to sympathize with someone who's at a different point
> in the cycle than I am. When I'm in the doldrums, the "positive thinking"
> attitude strikes me as unrealistic Pollyanna claptrap; when I'm feeling
> positive and on top of things, I don't want to hear about the grief and
> anger because I don't want to be pulled under by it. 

I'm by nature a pretty upbeat, positive person -- and it seems to me
that positive thinking is a survival mechanism for some of us. 

It's like, if I don't think positive, I'll lose any reason for living at
all, and then there is nothing stopping me from killing myself. 

Depression is another topic that people really can't deal with --
they'll say they're sorry for you, but they can't begin to understand
how it affects your daily functioning. 

But I can also say that when I'm depressed is when I'm LEAST capable of
ACCEPTING the support that people try to offer -- I lose the emotional
content of their words, and they become just words, and meaningless. 

Right now, people don't understand that I'm fighting my HARDEST just to
stay alive, and that I'm very vulnerable and fragile. The smallest thing
will set off a totally disproportionate reaction -- and then people get
angry with me for what they consider inappropriate behavior. (Sorta like
being hypo, in a way!)

So there is a tendency to avoid me, which compounds the loneliness and
struggle.  (My friends are in a no-win situation -- and those who are
not my friends must be feeling justified!) 

>What hurts is that my friends and family,
> who love me very much, don't seem to have much patience with the
> idea that I'm not finished learning to cope with this.

I agree that it's not because they don't love you, but they really
haven't a clue what's going on inside your head, and what you need to do
to stay on an even keel. There are some issues that just don't go away
-- not only diabetes, but a whole mess of other stuff. And I think
that's true for EVERYONE. Even if they don't mention it. 

It's also hard to understand why something that may seem trivial is
tearing another person apart. Because triviality is in the mind of the
beholder. It's not that they don't WANT to understand, just that they

> There are times when I'm ready to
> give it, and times when I just don't have anything to spare. I just have
> to trust that I'll come around to a place where I'm ready to give some-
> thing again.

Well, sounds to me like you are human, and doing what humans do. And the
rest of the world can only do what THEY're able to do -- which is why I
don't blame others for not giving support, but rather blame myself for
not being able to graciously accept what they're able to offer. And I
always need to acknowledge that they DO try, and it's not MY place to
dictate to them HOW they try to offer support -- they do what seems
right to them, and they do it with love and good intention.

OK, enough of MY feelings about feelings -- everyone is different, and
we're all in the same boat after all, and we're ALL trying to keep it
from sinking! 

 ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- 
 Natalie A. Sera, with all her ducks in a row!
 Type Weird, pumping!
 mailto:email @ redacted
 ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c- ._c-._c- ._c- ._(` ._c- ._c- 
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