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[IP] taboo feelings (was anger and doctors -- a project)

Jim S. writes:

>Feeling related threads die quickly. Is it possible that some are things
>that the "list" finds too sensitive? I have had a lot of progress in not
>getting upset when someone else brings up something that I don't want to
>deal with or reflects something in me that I don't like. Trouble is that it
>usually involves "walking through the fire".

I think you hit on something important, Jim.

All of us have different experiences with this disease, but there are
certain things we have in common. I think that everyone would agree
that people have a very hard time when they're newly diagnosed. But
I think there's some resistance to the idea that we may continue to
have emotional problems off and on for the rest of our lives. Most
of us want to believe that at some point we'll become reconciled to
diabetes -- permanently. Does that ever happen?

My experience is that grieving is a cyclical process. There are times
when I feel that I'm done with it, but it always comes back in some form
or other. But because it comes and goes, I'm not always in the right
frame of mind to sympathize with someone who's at a different point
in the cycle than I am. When I'm in the doldrums, the "positive thinking"
attitude strikes me as unrealistic Pollyanna claptrap; when I'm feeling
positive and on top of things, I don't want to hear about the grief and
anger because I don't want to be pulled under by it.  I've only been in the
diabetes biz for four years (come January), but I already feel that I've
been around the block more than once.

It's been over a year since the last time I lay down on the floor and
kicked and screamed because I just couldn't stand the idea of
dealing with this for another day. Right now I'm doing really well;
being on the pump is making me feel like I'm living a charmed life.
But I can't swear that I'll never fall back into that deep, dark place;
in fact, it seems likely to me that I will at some point. Yet I feel that I
'm learning. Each time around the block, I pick up some coping
skills. And just knowing that I'm not nuts, that there are other people
who feel this way, helps a lot. What hurts is that my friends and family,
who love me very much, don't seem to have much patience with the
idea that I'm not finished learning to cope with this. To some extent
the problem is my pride and perfectionism -- they don't know when
I'm having trouble because I don't tell them. Whose fault is that?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that maybe
support comes and goes, too. There are times when I'm ready to
give it, and times when I just don't have anything to spare. I just have
to trust that I'll come around to a place where I'm ready to give some-
thing again.

/Janet Lafler
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