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Re: [IP] a ltr. to myself

On 14 Dec 98 at 13:06, Emily Miggins wrote:

> Anyway, I have know way of explaining to Dan this stuff and it is very
> frustrating, because of course I want him to know when things happen and
> even when I screw up-- of course I know he must hate it when I do this.
> But, it doesn't seem worthwhile to tell him-- if he tells me "I don't want to
> hear this stuff when it is YOUR fault, you're stupid".
> My friend Meg said she thought I did everything I could do to help myself, and
> I was excited about my food, and I tested my blood at 3 and then...  I just
> had gone further in a short ampount of time then I could have imagined. It was
> about 4pm when we sat down to order and eat. I also was particularly dazed and
> confused this time.

This kind of thing happens.  You're not dumb, stupid or anything - it's just 
the normal effect of using the best technology we've got.  Our best just isn't 
good enough yet.  There are so many unknowns and we just attempt to manage them 
all, and sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't.  The key is to make 
sure that when things don't go right someone can help.  

I remember a day in 1994, in Memphis, TN - we had been to the doctor's office 
and were on our way home.  I was on MDI then and it was time to eat.  I checked 
my bg when we went into the restaurant and it was 64 - a little low but not too 
bad considering I was getting ready to eat.  We went into the Cracker Barrel 
and my wife suggested we order the "chocolate cobbler" to get my bg up quickly. 
What we didn't realize was how fast my bg was dropping.  A few minutes later 
when the waitress brought the food my wife said I exploded - demanded to see 
the manager because they were not giving us our money's worth becuase they had 
only put a microscopic brownie and a tablespoon of ice cream on it...  She 
said I was talking about punching the manager out because he was trying to 
cheat his customers, the waitress was scared and my wife was trying to keep me 
distracted by telling me to eat what was there and if it wasn't right we'd take 
care of it later.  She said that somewhere in there she managed to convince me 
to eat and tell the waitress that everything was OK and we didn't need the 
manager.  All I remember is "coming around" with a bad headache and an empty 
bowl to one side with a half eaten sandwich in front of me...  Carolyn said she 
could see it in my face as I "returned" from the crash and was asking me how I 
felt when I regained full awareness.  I don't remember much but I was 
extremely embarassed about the event because I'm normally pretty quiet.  
The point of this is that no matter how careful we are sometimes things don't 
go as predicted.  We just have to learn from these events and carry on...

> I hate this stuff so much, pump or not I am going to die from these x%#!
> ups sometime.  I know it scares me and everyone around me too.  I guess I am
> hard enough on myself and feel stupind enough, and sometimes I think "what
> more I can do-- other than absolutely haulting my life and testing every half
> hour to see where I am at".

Hang on and keep on learning, working and developing your skills at managing 
this condition.  We've all felt angry, upset, scared or worse at times.  After 
you've been on the pump for about six months you should get things stabilized 
where you can relax the testing a little.  It takes a while to integrate all 
the information you're learning, so please try to be patient.  You can always 
complain to the list or to some of us on the list.  

> I just had these great appointments and training sessions at UCSF last
> Friday and was feeling so great.  I learned new stuff about the pump too. Like
> for instance-- testing for ketones when my sugar is high.  If I have ketones I
> need to take a 20% higher insulin correction.  I never had read/learned that
> before!
> Anyway, then this all happened and my tire is flat.

Go ahead and sign both of you up for the course.  It's better to find out now 
that Dan can't handle things than later when it could be important for him to 
know what's going on.  There are also some simulations that you can run on a 
computer - where the goal is to keep your bg level controlled while 
manipulating insulin, diet, activity, etc.  These simulations (games) are used 
sometimes in training people with diabetes, health care providers and family 
members.  If you're interested I'll try to track one of them down.  

Don't let one slip up get you down.  The people at the church where I was 
pastoring used to comment that my preaching improved when my bg started 
dropping... until it dropped so far that they couldn't figure out what I was 
talking about...   The got used to seeing me check my bg, reminded me to eat a 
sugar tab if I started sounding or acting in a way that wasn't normal, and in 
general looked out for me...   Sometimes those near us react strongly because 
they are scared or fearful for us too...  My wife has blasted me a couple of 
times for not taking corrective action soon enough, usually after something 
happens where she gets frightened for me....

Hang in there, keep going, and remember you've got a bunch of friends who are 
available to help.

Randall P. Winchester
* The views expressed here are mine and do not necessarily *
* reflect the official position of anyone in particular.            *
* There's no guarantee on anything said here...
* If I say I understand something completely the only thing
* we can both be assured of is that I must have completely
* misunderstood something. 
Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/