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Re: [IP] Wow- Dan responds to a ltr. to myself
Don't mean to overwhelm you with personal stories but this might help you see
this incident a little differently.
I spent much of my college and two years of grad school with lows that came out
of no where and often landed me unconscious or in the hopital or with the
paramedics. It was a terrifying time, especially since after years of being
diabetic, at that point I was doing everything by the book -- by the book as it
was taught to me. It turns out of course that your equation is correct for me
some of the time, but not very often. For long periods of time (when I'm in
better shape) if I plan ahead, I need little or no food to exercise and insulin
after. Sometimes, I need food before. Sometimes, if I eat the food before
that backfires. In other words, there are many variables. Exercise and food
are two. Blood sugar is another. Time of the month a third, how in shape you
are a fourth, tiredness and stress a fifth and so on. There are some diabetics
for whom these variables are relatively stable. For most of us, they are not
quite that good and for some of the time for some of us, they are hard to
measure. Add to that the fact that as your blood sugar drops your brain gets
foggy and the bottom line is simply eating is not anywhere near as easy as it
ought to be.
I appreciate your frustration. It is very understandable. Unfortunately, this
was the reaction of my few close friends when I had problems. It wasn't until
years later, until I had learned to be completely self sufficient, when I met
my husband, that I learned what an enormous difference it makes when you have
someone caring and warm and forgiving around when bgs don't work or when you
just screw up. Not only did it cure much of my perpetual head and stomach
aches, but the reactions decreased -- we dealt with it together and it is far
easier to avoid an emergency. For a long time, I thought it was all my
fault. Then, I learned some new things (mostly about the fact that all those
absolutes -- like the ones is your equation -- I started pumping with were not
at all absolute and I could identify the variations), and wondered if the real
problem was lack of info. In recent years, as my life has changed and the
people around me have been more supportive than ever before, I've sometimes
realized that the lack of support was a tremendous handicap -- and not one
everybody faces. After I had an icident like the ones you and Emily describe,
I used to feel beat up, like my whole body hurt, like I could hardly move and
couldn't think. While they rarely happen anymore, when they do I simply feel
like "oh no", it hurts a little, it is a little humiliating, but surprisingly
enough I am still me, still capable. You might want to ask yourself what the
value of punishment is -- does it really improve control?
Emily Miggins wrote:
> From: "Dan J.
> Subject: Re: a ltr. to myself
> To: email @ redacted
> Letter to myself,
> The night that Emily moved into her house was filled with emotions. We
> worked very hard to move everything in, and didn't have any food to eat. We
> were tired. Emily tested her blood - around 40. I asked her if she ate a
> glucose tab would she be ok for the night - she said yes. I asked her to
> eat two. We went to sleep. That night, about 3 a.m., I found Emily in my
> arms, sweating profusely, shaking,
> incoherent. I couldn't revive her. Couldn't get a reading on the
> glucometer - too low I guess. No phone to call 911, no food/liquid in the
> house. Luckily, cell phone worked. Paramedics came, stuck many needles in
> Em. The one they sent through her neck worked, she came around.
> After that night I learned a very valuable lesson:
> exercise + no food = coma. Simple.
> After seeing Dr. Masharani with Emily a few weeks later, he said that she
> wouldn't ever have a low again under his care. But he can only advise,
> Emily has to do it.
> So it happens again. Why? Simple (see equation above), too much exercise,
> not enough food. Why did this happen? Can only think of three reasons:
> 1) Too stupid to understand equation above
> 2) Let's herself go low on purpose for the attention (subconsciously)
> 3) Doesn't care
> Any of the above would be unacceptable to me. So what gives? No idea, but
> must understand.
> P.S. - To your points below:
> never said you have mentality of 8 year old. Said an 8 year old would have
> these types of problems, because an 8 year old doesn't yet have the
> reasoning capacity to understand how to control lows.
> Becoming hard to emphasize with "something frightening happening" to you
> when you bring it on your self. If you want someone to coddle you every
> time you "forget" or "skip" something, that's not me. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah,
> I have no idea what it's like. But I know that if I had it, I would be
> responsible about it. Yes, that means recording, learning, and testing -
> even if it's every fucking 10 minu
> tes. No, that does not mean halting your life - my cousin has had type one
> a lot longer than you, and he keeps his bg stable - AND he has a demanding,
> full time job, two kids, etc. Dr. Masharani laughed at you when you said
> that you were a "brittle" diabetic. So stop making excuses for yourself.
> Your assumption that "these terrible mistakes just happen" is ridiculous!
> Is that like a child abuser saying, hey mistakes happen, I'll try harder
> next time? YOU CONTROL DIABETES - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
> I never said your disease was "stupid" - it's not. It just is. So deal with
> it. Not 90%, but 110%. It's your life. Your house means nothing. Your job
> means nothing. You are everything - why don't you understand that?
> your last paragraph:
> "Is this the way it is supposed to be? I have no clue, I just assume I
> should go hard at myself, and let him kick me harder and harder if he
> wants. I assume that this is what I deserve. But is it?"
> Nice try. No more letting you divert from the truth. I treat you well,
> always have. I am telling you the truth now, and if you can't handle that
> at age 29 - I feel terribly sorry for you. Enough excuses - either you do
> it or you don't. But don't play sad sack for me, and don't put it on me for
> "kicking you around." The door is right there, if you can't deal with this
> perspective from me, it's prob
> ably best you use it. No hard feelings here.
> P.S. - I can get a cab home tonight. I understand that you are probably
> feeling weak from your episode yesterday, so if you're not going to be at
> the airport, just please leave me a message on my vm :408-947-5536, and
> I'll cab it.
> ReThinking Paper,
> Emily Miggins
> Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/
Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/