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Re: [IP] a ltr. to myself
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your letter to yourself.
YOU'RE NOOOTTTTTT STUPID!!!!! Ya, I know easy for me to say and who am I too
I just had to tell you about my very first visit from the Paramedics. I was on my
way home ( Before the days of meters or pumps ) and I stopped at a Grocery Store.
I started filling my basket with Orange Juice, Cookies, Apple Juice, more cookies,
candy bars, oh and then I hit the bakery department and got some donuts, a cake,
and then I went to produce and got about 15 - 20 oranges, and then more orange
juice. OK, get the picture. Well the next thing I know I am coming too and
staring into the eyes of a tall dark and handsome! :-) I was so embarrassed. My
subconscious knew I needed sugar, but my brain just couldn't get any of the stuff
to my mouth.
The boyfriend. Well my first re action is "dump him", but that's not fair. My
partner and I, four years later are still going through some learning / growing
phases. I think Michael is correct in suggesting he read some material. Steve,
my partner, did as much reading as he could when we first went out. He
immediately learned how to use a glycogen shot. But like I said, it takes time
for them too and maybe he was just so scared for you.
Anyway, please please don't think you're stupid. Give yourself a hug, you deserve
it. I'd like to share your letter with Steve and see what he has to say and maybe
you could pass it on to Danny.
Emily Miggins wrote:
> (this is a letter to myself that I am sharing with ya'll)
> Well this morning,
> I was called "stupid, dumb", and basically told I have the mentality of "a
> 8 year old."
> All this after telling my boyfriend that something very frightening
> happened yesterday.
> I woke up with a blood glucose of 197. I worked in the yard for a couple
> of hours. I cleaned up inside the house, you know dusting etc... I had a
> friend to pick up at the train station, my pallie Meg. That was about 3pm.
> About then I took my blood reading. I was 175. Mistake was I did not eat
> b/c of the higher sugars.
> Then I went to eat with Meg right from the train station. So it was about
> quarter to 4. My blood was low and I could feel it coming on. I remember
> trying to test my blood and I don't remember what happened after that. I
> did orderd lunch although, tofu burger, small fry, diet coke, and a salad.
> Meg said I got confused. So my food came and I was eatting. She said I
> never said what my blood was. And then I started getting really confused
> and she was wondering what was up and asking me questions. All the
> meanwhile I had glucose tabs right there in my purse and sugar on the
> Next thing I know the paramedics are bringing me back around with glucagon
> etc.. I was still sitting there with my plate of food in front of me and
> everything. Meg said she called 911 because the food just didn't seem like
> it was helping me too much. And my head kinda of slumped over.
> I was devastated, I have only lost it like that in public a couple of
> times-- but not while eating food!
> Anyway, my mistake was not eating and doing all that cleaning and yard
> work. But, I did test my blood and I thought I was in the clear before
> going to the train station?
> Anyway, I have know way of explaining to Dan this stuff and it is very
> frustrating, because of course I want him to know when things happen and
> even when I screw up-- of course I know he must hate it when I do this.
> But, it doesn't seem worthwhile to tell him-- if he tells me "I don't want
> to hear this stuff when it is YOUR fault, you're stupid".
> My friend Meg said she thought I did everything I could do to help myself,
> and I was excited about my food, and I tested my blood at 3 and then... I
> just had gone further in a short ampount of time then I could have
> imagined. It was about 4pm when we sat down to order and eat. I also was
> particularly dazed and confused this time.
> The one huge error was not just going with an OJ when I needed it. I just
> usually suffer from a tremendous spike when I drink OJ. I guess maybe that
> is what I was thinking when this was all taking place. Or maybe I wasn't
> thinking. I cannot even remember everything clearly.
> I hate this stuff so much, pump or not I am going to die from these x%#!
> ups sometime. I know it scares me and everyone around me too. I guess I
> am hard enough on myself and feel stupind enough, and sometimes I think
> "what more I can do-- other than absolutely haulting my life and testing
> every half hour to see where I am at".
> I just had these great appointments and training sessions at UCSF last
> Friday and was feeling so great. I learned new stuff about the pump too.
> Like for instance-- testing for ketones when my sugar is high. If I have
> ketones I need to take a 20% higher insulin correction. I never had
> read/learned that before!
> Anyway, then this all happened and my tire is flat.
> I also was going to sign Danny and me up for a four day intensive course on
> pump/diabetes therapy. I was so excited to to learn more and more! But
> how can I take this course at UCSF with someone who now calls me 'stupid',
> even if I am indeed stupid and at fault here. I love Dan very much and
> don't blame his rage at all here. But I just wonder what life will be like
> with him? Because at this point I just assume these terrible mistakes
> happen, and I can even take blame for this stuff of course and all the
> weight has to be on me-- it is my damn disease of 18 years..
> But, what is the point of having a relationship if I have a partner who is
> so outraged at my stupidity and my stupid disease, that he is going to just
> kick me and hard-- when I am already down? I just don't even know how to
> explain this to him? Because of course he is angry, of course he hates
> this, of course he should be pissed at me and at life in general. He
> cannot stand that I don't write my numbers in a daily log with regularity.
> I test 4 times a day as my numb, hole riden fingers are evidence of, I just
> hate recording. Of course if I were him I would probably dump my diabetic
> ass-- but am I allowed to be dumb and diabetic? Am I allowed to beat
> myself up over this-- and allow him to beat me too? Is this worth it?
> Is this the way it is supposed to be? I have no clue, I just assume I
> should go hard at myself, and let him kick me harder and harder if he
> wants. I assume that this is what I deserve. But is it?
> I swear I am afraid of him, and telling him stuff that isn't so great with me.
> It all stinks.
> PS: Great NYT article on childhood obesity and and the rise of diabete's 2
> today front page.
> ReThinking Paper,
> Emily Miggins
> Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/
Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/