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[IP] a ltr. to myself

(this is a letter to myself that I am sharing with ya'll)

Well this morning,

I was called "stupid, dumb", and basically told I have the mentality of "a
8 year old."

All this after telling my boyfriend that something very frightening
happened yesterday.

I woke up with a blood glucose of 197.  I worked in the yard for a couple
of hours.  I cleaned up inside the house, you know dusting etc...  I had a
friend to pick up at the train station, my pallie Meg.  That was about 3pm.
About then I took my blood reading.  I was 175.  Mistake was I did not eat
b/c of the higher sugars.

Then I went to eat with Meg right from the train station.  So it was about
quarter to 4.  My blood was low and I could feel it coming on.  I remember
trying to test my blood and I don't remember what happened after that. I
did orderd lunch although, tofu burger, small fry, diet coke, and a salad.
Meg said I got confused.  So my food came and I was eatting.  She said I
never said what my blood was.  And then I started getting really confused
and she was wondering what was up and asking me questions.  All the
meanwhile I had glucose tabs right there in my purse and sugar on the

Next thing I know the paramedics are bringing me back around with glucagon
etc..  I was still sitting there with my plate of food in front of me and
everything.  Meg said she called 911 because the food just didn't seem like
it was helping me too much.  And my head kinda of slumped over.

I was devastated, I have only lost it like that in public a couple of
times-- but not while eating food!

Anyway, my mistake was not eating and doing all that cleaning and yard
work.  But, I did test my blood and I thought I was in the clear before
going to the train station?

Anyway, I have know way of explaining to Dan this stuff and it is very
frustrating, because of course I want him to know when things happen and
even when I screw up-- of course I know he must hate it when I do this.
But, it doesn't seem worthwhile to tell him-- if he tells me "I don't want
to hear this stuff when it is YOUR fault, you're stupid".

My friend Meg said she thought I did everything I could do to help myself,
and I was excited about my food, and I tested my blood at 3 and then...  I
just had gone further in a short ampount of time then I could have
imagined. It was about 4pm when we sat down to order and eat. I also was
particularly dazed and confused this time.

The one huge error was not just going with an OJ when I needed it.  I just
usually suffer from a tremendous spike when I drink OJ.  I guess maybe that
is what I was thinking when this was all taking place.  Or maybe I wasn't
thinking.  I cannot even remember everything clearly.

I hate this stuff so much, pump or not I am going to die from these x%#!
ups sometime.  I know it scares me and everyone around me too.  I guess I
am hard enough on myself and feel stupind enough, and sometimes I think
"what more I can do-- other than absolutely haulting my life and testing
every half hour to see where I am at".

I just had these great appointments and training sessions at UCSF last
Friday and was feeling so great.  I learned new stuff about the pump too.
Like for instance-- testing for ketones when my sugar is high.  If I have
ketones I need to take a 20% higher insulin correction.  I never had
read/learned that before!

Anyway, then this all happened and my tire is flat.

I also was going to sign Danny and me up for a four day intensive course on
pump/diabetes therapy.  I was so excited to to learn more and more!  But
how can I take this course at UCSF with someone who now calls me 'stupid',
even if I am indeed stupid and at fault here.  I love Dan very much and
don't blame his rage at all here.  But I just wonder what life will be like
with him?  Because at this point I just assume these terrible mistakes
happen, and I can even take blame for this stuff of course and all the
weight has to be on me-- it is my damn disease of 18 years..

But, what is the point of having a relationship if I have a partner who is
so outraged at my stupidity and my stupid disease, that he is going to just
kick me and hard-- when I am already down?  I just don't even know how to
explain this to him?  Because of course he is angry, of course he hates
this, of course he should be pissed at me and at life in general.  He
cannot stand that I don't write my numbers in a daily log with regularity.
I test 4 times a day as my numb, hole riden fingers are evidence of, I just
hate recording. Of course if I were him I would probably dump my diabetic
ass-- but am I allowed to be dumb and diabetic?  Am I allowed to beat
myself up over this-- and allow him to beat me too?  Is this worth it?

Is this the way it is supposed to be?  I have no clue, I just assume I
should go hard at myself, and let him kick me harder and harder if he
wants.  I assume that this is what I deserve.  But is it?

I swear I am afraid of him, and telling him stuff that isn't so great with me.

It all stinks.

PS:  Great NYT article on childhood obesity and and the rise of diabete's 2
today front page.

ReThinking Paper,
Emily Miggins

Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/