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[IP] sooooo mad

i just had an argument with my sister. this morning before i left for work, i had a low blood
sugar and drank one of her breakfast shakes. i told her about it later, but she was still mad. i
got mad too, because i was really low and it was kind of an emergency, and i said, "look, this low
blood sugar thing is NOT something i do just for kicks just to tick you off, you know." and she
said, "well, you've had this for almost 11 years, what is your problem that you can't even keep
this from happening?" and then she made some remarks insinuating that if i just did what i was
supposed to then i would never have any blood sugar problems, and that there must be something
wrong with me if i can't have good blood sugars all the time. i said, "it is NOT that easy, do you
have ANY idea what it is LIKE to LIVE with this and have your entire LIFE taken over by it? and i
have only had the pump since november, i'm still getting used to it." she said, "you haven't
gotten used to it after a whole YEAR?" i felt like hitting her.

  it got worse from there, we got into the whole "you're screwing up the rest of the family's
lives with your stupid illness, why should we have to deal with it" thing, and the "you're just
looking for attention with this" thing, and took my years of bad control and threw them in my
face. she thinks that when i am high and i feel sick that i am faking it, and that i go low
because of a lack of discipline. i finally yelled, "fine, i hope YOU get this and have to deal
with it the rest of YOUR life". she said, "well if i did, i wouldn't screw it up the way YOU have"
and at that point i slammed the door to our room and stormed off, with lots of homicidal thoughts
roaring through my head.

i am still mad. how could she not know how much this controls my life after living with me and it
for more than ten years? how could she just assume that this is EASY?? i told her, "if controlling
diabetes was as easy as you make it seem, you'd get the nobel prize because no one else in the
world has figured out how to do it." i told her that there a million different factors that go
into what my meter's going to read tomorrow morning, and i can only control three of them. she
just shrugged as if anyone else but me would be doing it right.

so there's obviously lots more under the surface issue of who eats who's food. i wish she could
come and see this list and see how many more people in the world struggle with this and how hard
it really is to deal with every day of your life. i wish that 900 people would email her with
their stories and show her that diabetes SUCKS and that it is unpredictable as hell and that there
are people dying because they have this and not because they are "looking for attention". i
sometimes think that i would not wish this on my worst enemy but then again, i wish every person
who ever assumed that diabetes is easy could live with it for a year. i want to shoot her up with
50 u of humalog so she can see how a low feels, and suppress her insulin production for a few days
so she can experience the wonders of ketoacidosis. i want her to know what it is like to go low or
high on school field trips, at high school basketball games, at friends' birthday parties, in
front of the boy you have a crush on in the 8th grade. i want her to know what is it like to carry
syringes and get strange looks in the ladies' room. i want her to know what it is like to wonder
at age 21 how long you will live, and to know that your health problems both are and are not your
own fault. most of all, i want her to shut up and get a clue.

yes. my bad control over the past ten years was ultimately my fault. i am trying my best now to
make up for it, and think i am doing a pretty good job with an a1c of 7.3 (that's down from 11.3
last august). it is not fun to try or all this time and achieve some success with this and then
get this kind of thing thrown in my face.

i'm going to bed now. i'm not angry anymore after getting all this out, just hurt. and frustrated.


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