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[IP] our mortality (longish)

Since my new dxd I have once again confronted the issue of mortality,
sooner rather then latter is likely for me. I hope that this thought
falls within the list guidelines but I have to admit it can be applied
to any chronic illness. The issue of our value as parents, friends
family member etc. has presented itself on this list and I would like to
share my thoughts.
First I have a unshakable faith in God so that is much of my perspective
and not intended to offend anyone.

Like I can not measure what I consider to be God's grace in my life, I
also can not in most instances measure my impact on those I come into
contact with. I was feeling down after my last meeting with my doctors
because I was wondering what I had set my daughter and husband up for to
look forward to. Maybe she/he would have to carry my oxygen bottle when
or if  I get emphysema from Cystic Fibrosis, or help me with Dialyses
when or if  DM ruins my kidneys, or take complete care of me when or if
Rheumatoid Arthritis withers and contorts all my joints. Of course the
list goes on and on and I was feeling how dare I etc.....

Then the other day Kevin and I were going to the bank and on are way out
we noticed an older couple looking fairly confused and lost, when the
woman asked us if we knew where a restaurant was within this shopping
strip. We knew and Kevin informed them. Still they were confused and
Kevin very gently and completely explained every way possible to the
restaurant (that was across the street). Never did his eyes or voice get
tired or impatient or sarcastic. I thought about it and instead of how
dare I do this to my loved one's I started to think how dare I think it
would be better to not allow those in my life to share good and bad with
me. I don't know if that elder couple was meeting a child they have not
spoken to in years, or if the restaurant was have a special price for
senior citizens and because of this they could enjoy a luxury they could
not otherwise enjoy or if they simply did this everyday. I do know that
Kevin's behavior could have only made whatever they were doing better.
Kevin's an adult and he knew my health issue's well before he committed
to me but not all of them. Although my daughter did not choose if you
ask she will say in all her 12 year old wisdom, she is scared fro me and
does not like it when I hurt but she will also add her life is hers and
she is healthy and she will help me anyway she can but will also live
with the tools she has been given for herself. Of course she would
prefer me healthy but ask to replace me and you will get a look that
would burn through the center of the earth.

So I figure if we are here on this earth for a day or year whatever, we
are probably given opportunities all the time to make some other persons
life just a little better and once in a while a great deal better. We
are planning to adopt children soon and some we know think we are insane
and unfair, but I am sure we are better then nothing, and considering I
was suppose to be dead a long time ago I guess I should use my borrowed
time for something that extends beyond me and my illnesses. When I
answer the phone I set the tone of the conversation and when I smile at
a stranger maybe I make them a little more welcome. If I close my eyes
tonight and do not wake tomorrow I closed my eyes knowing I at least
tried. I will never know where I succeeded or not and I don't need to,
but I know it is not measured on the amount of time I was able to do it,
my behavior is measured by my intentions and actions neither of which
require longevity.

I guess longevity to me, is a luxury to anyone and if I achieve it then
I will give thanks for it. Since I will most likely not I have a
something most don't I know were the end is. I know what complications
will do me in. I have a gift I know I am mortal so I can let this
confound and overcome me or I can let it motivate me and propel me I
choose the latter with a few bad days thrown in here and there. If you
knew tomorrow was it you were gonna be gone how would you treat people
you come into contact with? How often would you tell you children,
spouse, parents, siblings, friends you loved and valued them. Would you
understand that your doctor or health care person has 50 other people
that want just as much of there attention as you do and would you allow
yourself to curse every red light you hit because you were late..? It is
hard and I fail more then I care to admit. I still try and plan and go
forward and sometimes apologize. But I am a good mom, wife, sister,
employee and most of the time daughter :0). That's my job that is what I
am suppose to do. We are all of equal importance disease free or not.

I hope this gives someone a brighter view where they might need it.
Since that is the intention.
Take care

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