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[IP] Hating Diabetes

dear kelby,
thank you so much for writing. i agree with everything you've said so much but
just couldn't bring myself to vent on the list. i want you to know that there
*ARE* others like you who hate this disease, don't "get it", can't control it,
feel like what's the point of working because i just keep getting knocked down
by some other diabetic something or other. i told someone else the other day
that being on this list sometimes i feel like a minority within a minority-  i
am not happy or comfortable or even close to being able to live a normal life
since i was almost 27. my normal life is gone and now i'm trying to make the
best out of this inferior semblance of my daily routine. i'm glad so many are
doing well, but that just makes me feel so much more alone and like the
dumbest diabetic that ever lived- i can't even figure out my own body! what's
wrong with me- all these other people can??!!!
i, too, have the best medical care around and great family and friends and
it's still not enough!!! i've been told "well, at least it's not {insert
horrible disease here}". so that's supposed to make me happy now? my mother,
who had cancer and is a survivor,  assured me that they told her the same
thing. she says for her cancer was the worst she's ever had to deal with so
for her it was all consuming. for me, it's diabetes. you can't compare
horrible diseases and expect someone to feel grateful for one or the other.
if i've learned one this it's please don't beat yourself up too much for not
"being able to get control of it". the whole " if i just try hard enough" will
only lead to one thing- you being hard on yourself. i've gotten the "don't let
diabetes control you, you control the diabetes" speech so many times i could
scream. the next person that says that i'm just going to hand over my pump and
go "fine, smarty pants (no offense sara) , then YOU DO IT! I QUIT! you think
you can do better???"
my quality of life has gone to heck in a handbasket since my diagnosis. you
know the feeling of being able to do what you want, when you want, for 22
years and now your whole life has changed and everyone expects you to act like
"it's no big deal" and get a job and act like you were before. i had a great
job which i worked long and hard at, did volunteer work with my therapy dogs
in nursing and children's homes, had side jobs i enjoyed and traveled to costa
rica and mexico for fun with my husband. all of that is gone now. for some of
us, it is a big deal and not a minute goes by without being reminded we now
have to deal with lows, highs and everything else. and the upside i'm supposed
to be looking at is.... ?
as for vet school, i would think hard. i'm going thru the same 50% jump in
insulin requirements that snuck up on me and it's taking forever to get
readjusted. when i worked, bosses just didn't understand all my absences even
if i got all my work done. i had to prove myself doubly hard as a female in
i.t. and as a diabetic. i was laid off in january of this year.
i would plan for the future, but never lock myself into anything. if you think
in a year you'll have things "under control" (and i use that term loosely) and
able to do school, then school will be there in a year.

ok, maybe none of this relates to you, but i thought i'd try. i'm so alone in
this too. i'd hate for anyone else to be like this.

leann marcucci
dx'd 8/00
pumping 9/00
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