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Re: [IP] denial (long)

> I am having a hard time admitting to my diabetic lifestyle.  I tell myself
> am diabetic, I realize I am diabetic.  I tell others I am diabetic, yet I
> not live as a diabetic.  I have been on the pump 4 yrs and I eat whatever
> please, never adjusting a bolus for a "treat".  In fact, sometimes I only
> bolus once in 48 hours!!  Will I ever live up to the fact I am diabetic?
> been 6 yrs!!!  Has anyone else had this prob?


When I was first diagnosed (age 21), the whole thing was not made out to be
a very big deal to me, & I had a very happy honeymoon phase that kept me
believing that.  eleven months later when the honeymoon was over & I lost 30
pounds in a matter of weeks & DKA set in with a vengeance, I started on
insulin - & it was just presented to me as "here's what you do now", again
no big deal...no real information offered about complications, the need for
monitoring, etc.  While I didn't recognize myself as being in denial
(diabetes didn't seem like a major issue in my life, so there wasn't a need
on a mental or emotional level to really "go to war" with it), I do remember
a few times in my early twenties experimentally trying to "wean myself off
of insulin"...lowering the dosage until I wasn't taking it at all, & somehow
reasoning that "if I didn't need this for the first twenty-one years of my
life, I don't really need it now either, right?"  Each time I got listless &
eventually sick (hmmm...wonder why?) until I ended up at the doctor or the
hospital - & in neither place did they really address diabetes as the
primary factor.  They just treated whatever seemed to be wrong (sinusitis,
bronchitis, etc.) & sent me on my way - then at home I would reluctantly
start back on the insulin because I was feeling so awful I was willing to do
anything that might help - & I think I was smart enough (SOMEWHERE deep down
inside) to realize that this just might help!

It's only been over the past five years (largely due to a diabetic friend -
Thanks Michelle!! - & my incredible husband who does his healthcare
homework) that I have been proactive in caring for my diabetes.  During
those years of "not really paying attention", I know now that I may have
done myself damage untold.  This is not self-recrimination...some of us
learn more slowly than others the things we need to know.  The bottom line
here for you is: you get exactly ONE body to wear during this lifetime, &
you can't go back to the manufacturer & exchange it because the parts don't
work so well.  That's the body you will be living in when the damage of now
starts to appear...since the results aren't always immediate, it can be far
too easy to ignore the self-inflicted danger brought about by a blase`
attitude.  TAKE CARE of the shell you are in!!!  I don't think I've ever
heard a healthy oldster say "Boy, I wish I HADN'T taken such good care of
myself in my younger years!"

On the denial aspect that leads to insufficient self-care - GET HELP!  Make
an appointment with a counselor, & then KEEP it.  If you're not sure where
to go, get a referral from your doctor or a local CDE.  If money/insurance
is an issue - call your local community service organizations & ask about
the availability of free services, sliding scale fees, or payment plans.
Denial is a mental/emotional response to something, often a symptom of
depression (diabetics in general are WAY too susceptible there!), & requires
treatment...it will not just "go away" of its own volition, & while it's
here & in charge, it can manifest in ways whose results will be with you
years down the road.  The diabetes & the denial together are a double-edged
sword, & they will do you damage if you don't seek out the weapons &
reinforcements needed to defeat them!!

End of dramatic pre-battle speech...picture me painted blue standing
defiantly beside Mel Gibson!),
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